“Thank you for the cream.” My mother’s words cut like a knife. It was Christmas day 2010, and I was thanking my mum for the gifts she’d given me. She had replied, and, although it hurt like anything, I pulled a funny face and left the room.
While it’s true that I had wandered into a shop in the Arndale to collect the cream that my mother had on a biannual gift standing order, I’d also given her something else. I’d recorded her a CD, using little more than a laptop and the appropriate instruments. I’d put my revision on hold while I wrote, learnt and recorded songs. I’d broken my precious guitar in the process, played until my fingers literally bled, and sang despite my impending man flu until my voice gave out. By the time I had taken about 150 recordings, I had the dozen or so that were high enough quality to go onto the CD. I then made all of the case artwork, and wrapped it impeccably. Christmas day couldn’t come fast enough, and then the moment came where I handed my mother the gift I’d worked so hard on. Her initial response was underwhelming to say the least, but to be forgotten completely was almost too much. But I didn’t say a word… because it was Christmas.
This is by no means the saddest Christmas story, and I am blessed beyond words to be in my situation, and have the incredible family that I do. This story does however illustrate we afford one another an extra measure of grace and tolerance at Christmas. We hide what we’re really feeling to keep everything happy and jolly, to make sure that we don’t upset what is otherwise a very happy occasion.
The rest of the year, we call this process, “forgiveness”. If you spend any appreciable amount of time in church, you will invariably be told about the subject, and rightly so. On two notable occasions in the Gospels, Jesus highlights forgiveness without any prompting whatsoever (Matt 6:9-15, John 20:19-23). This shows me that forgiveness is more important than I’ll probably ever fully realise. However, there seems to be misnomers attached to forgiveness.
When we choose forgiveness, it may be assumed that this means that we tell the offender that they are forgiven, and then don’t mention the offence ever again. We don’t talk about it with the offender, anyone else, ourselves or even God. We see forgiveness as the end of the matter.
The fact is that when someone hurts us, it damages us on a number of levels. Forgiveness is a choice not to inflict an equal amount of pain on the offender/s, but this DOES NOT remove the damage from our own lives. I have, however, seen time and time again people who ignore the consequences of other people’s actions because they assume that forgiveness means that everything goes back to the way it was.
This damages people. People get hurt. And where hurt stays ignored and stagnant, just as if anything stagnates in the body, it is a prime breeding ground for infections such as anger, resent, bitterness and negativity. So the end products are Christians who, in trying hard to play down and ignore the damage done to them, end up being negative, increasingly isolated, poor at relationship, poor at attending church, etc. And often don’t know how they got there.
In Genesis 34 there is an account of a family who were hurt badly. The daughter had been raped, and now the offending party were trying to befriend the family of Israel. The sons of Jacob took their rage out on the people who’d defiled their sister. They annihilated the town, and drained it for all it was worth, but at the end of it, the brothers were still angry (vs 31).
Although they’d done everything that they could think of, the pain remained, hurt was still there, the violation hadn’t shift. Nothing had changed, except for their circumstances.
The way to respond to pain is in Genesis 35.
1) Identify the damage
Whether it’s yourself, someone else or God himself, you need to realise that the pain is there, it’s real, and it needs to go.
2) Go back
This can be painful. Bethel wasn’t a pleasant place for Jacob. The last time he’d been there, he was scared, alone and poor. But it was a place he’d met God. It was the place where his vision changed. It marked a turning point in his life. It can be painful to go back to places/memories/relationships in our lives, but it can be the start of recovery.
3) Worship
Whether we like it or not, God is good. He’s good when times are good. He’s good when the outlook is bad. He’s good when the diagnosis comes in. He’s good when the exam results arrive. He’s good even when I don’t think that he’s good. There is no circumstance where God doesn’t deserve praise (exemplified by Job).
4) Let God know what’s in your heart, and be open to change
Your loving father wants to help you, but you have to be ready to let him in. He may lead you to talk, seek advice, be counselled, act, serve, read, pray, fast or whatever is necessary to move you out of a place of pain; but he’ll be there for every step. He’ll catch every tear and pick you up every time you fall. There’s nothing bigger than his power and nothing smaller than his care.
So, there may be times this Christmas where we have to grin and bear it (particularly at the knitted jumper), but we need to remember that forgiveness is the beginning of a process, a process that Jesus is willing to go through with us.
If you would like to hear more on this subject, you may enjoy Ps Mark Foster’s message, “What to do when you’ve been violated” (from which a number of thoughts were taken) available from !Audacious Church. If you wish to talk to someone about any issues that this piece has raised, please feel free to contact someone on the leadership, available from this website.